For your convenience, our most common questions and concerns are answered right here.

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Q: What is vegan?

A: Vegan is a liberal term meaning: pay ten times more for your vegetables, and shop at whole foods, so that your food is “organic” and “clean”. Don’t fall prey to this new exciting terminology, it’s not why your here. It’s a trap to enslave your mind in leftist corporate jargon and gives a false sense of superiority to those that succumb.

 

Q: How can I act healthy but stay the way I am?

A: This is a question that has plagued humans throughout the eternities. And the answer is  founded in self-deception. Athletes use this tactic to overcome unbelievable obstacles. you do this by convincing yourself that the donut your eating can be balanced with bacon and maple topping, both natural ingredients to counteract the sugary, floury deliciousness you’re inhaling.

 

Q: How do I deal with the pressure to be healthy?

A: This one is as easy as telling your wife she looks good in those pants, and that no they don’t make her look fat. First, you have to listen to the person for an appropriate amount of time, and truly you have to listen here, not listening could land you in the hot seat for a long time. After the appropriate amount of time you just convincingly say your right and I’m going to start right now. The trick is looking determined in your appearance to change. Suck in your gut just a little, not extremely, and puff you chest out about the same amount, then give a slight smile and say these words “You know what I can do this, thanks [insert name of cousin or aunt here], I don’t know if I could have realized it without your persistent influence, how exciting this is!”.